How to Choose a New Haircut

You know those days when it's all you can do to keep yourself from grabbing a pair of scissors, twisting your hair into a ponytail and cutting it off right at the base, consequences be damned? Yeah, I've been having that day for about three months now.

It started (well, for some of us [women, especially] it doesn't ever REALLY go away) with the hot weather last summer. At least once a day, I'd find some strand of hair defying the ponytail and stuck with sweat (yes, I said it) uncomfortably to my neck or back or face. Of course, I was also saturated with bug dope and/or sunscreen at least 90% of my waking hours, helping add to the general stickiness of the situation.

Sleeping on a ponytail at night -- because the alternative was too heinous to consider -- found me greeting the mornings with a kinked neck and cranky attitude (as if the heat, plus 22 hours of daylight each day weren't enough).

I've also been swimming laps at the local YMCA this summer, so the little wispy escapee strands would drift around in the water, successfully evading my swim cap as well, ending up in my mouth or trapped under my goggles and tickling my eyes. Joyous, especially when I'm really focusing on minimizing swallowing the pool's water, what with all the kids in the YMCA pool.

So I've been thinking about cutting my hair. Short. Unfortunately, I hate to do anything with my hair. "Product"? What the hell is "product"? Go to the grocery store, and there are aisles and aisles of the stuff: gels, sprays, ... do they even make "mousse" anymore, or am I dating myself (again)?

First, I secured the OK from my spouse, because, after all, it is he who has to look at it every day. And I do know that my husband, like most men, do not put "short hair" and "sexy" together in the same sentence, at least not often.

(Maybe it's the horse.)

I'm not even sure this is a woman. In any case, the implication appears to at least want to be "sexy," though the only thing that remotely conveys that is the hair.

***

Of course, I want all sorts of impossible things from this haircut. Not only do I want it to be trendy, adorable, and easy to manage, as well as age-appropriate, but I also want it to give me a new lease on life. And maybe even mow the lawn.

Not surprisingly, I have a vague idea in my head of what this hairdo looks like. But it seems, at least in the past, I've had, ummm, "difficulty" communicating my ideas to a stylist. Certainly, I've come out of the chair in past experiences with a "Uhh.... no, that wasn't what I had in mind … at all" reaction. 

And it's kind of like finally deciding you want to buy a new car. Suddenly, every car on the street is being judged for its shape, color, wheels, styling…. The other day, I followed a woman around Costco for about 10 minutes just because I thought she had a good hairstyle. I was just about to ask her the name of her stylist when she caught me staring and glared at me, startling me into "run away" mode.

So I thought the magnificent omniscient, omnipotent (and certainly omnipresent!) inter-web could help. But where to start? "Best Hairstyles Over 40"? "… 50?" Not until November. Is my face oval or heart-shaped? Am I more of a Demi (square) or Reese (heart) or Gwyneth (oblong)? 

Gaaah! That's WAY too much looking in the mirror for one day! 

And of course, as we all know, you only get out of a computer what you put into it. Choose the wrong search terms and it can be, if not frustrating, then certainly amusing. Still, I was surprised that no matter what phrasing I typed into Google's little box, I couldn't find "it." I couldn't find an image of the 'do that would rock my (and everyone else's -- why aim low?) world.

I found some haircuts I feel like I've seen in every single styling book and magazine since I was, like, six years old and sat in the waiting room while my mom had her hair done:

(This one even has the psychedelic dots from the 60's. I'll bet this model is about 74 years old by now.)

(Sure it looks great the very first day, but as soon as the ends start to grow?)

Who gets their haircut like that? Even the style sections of the Sunday Times and Vanity Fair don't risk such avant-garde choices. Fashion Week in New York? Paris? Nope.

Then there are the perpetually frustrating Beautiful People who could drink a fifth of tequila in one sitting, then pick up a pair of dull scissors and still come out looking beautiful (That's right, Halle Berry and Natalie Portman, I'm talking to you!):

You can't even SEE her hair in this picture. But who cares, right? You know she looks great. -- Bitch.

I think this was right after Hugo Weaving cut her hair during "V for Vendetta." No touch-ups needed.

And somehow even this guy ended up on my page of "women's short hairstyles," though admittedly I can see how that might happen:

So, then I thought, shouldn't a competent hairdresser be able to help me out with this? Shouldn't s/he be able to look at me and say, "Oh, yes, dahling, a reverse asymmetrical cropped bob with some highlights would look gorgeous on you!" (OK, so my hairdresser is gay.) Alas, a Facebook failed to provide a clearcut recommendation for the Very Best Hairdresser in All of Alaska, so I continue to stew in my indecision.

So for now, the cowardly path of leaving it long is probably most appealing. I'll still end up paying a small fortune for a haircut no one will even notice ("Just a little shaping, please"), but at least I can have this same dilemma again three months from now.