On being a "broken" woman

Today at work, I was discussing a project with a male coworker and asked him how long he thought it might take.

"Forty minutes, tops," he confidently replied.  He then proceeded to tell me how & why it would only take 40 minutes, but I missed that part of the conversation because I could see one of my female coworkers standing behind him, frantically waving her arms, shaking her head "No", while repeatedly flashing either the peace sign or the number "two" at me.

I knew instantly what she was trying to say: "There's no WAY he's going to be done in 40 minutes! Two HOURS, at least!"  Alas, I understood this, but I also understood that she was correct.  However, I also understood that it was futile to argue with him -- he genuinely thought he could do it in 40 minutes. So, ignoring my friend, I nodded along with his story and said, yes, forty minutes, and he wandered away to some other project.

He was barely out of earshot before my female friend exploded. "He's AWFUL!!  He does this ALL the time!  He's never going to be done in 40 minutes...," etc.  I also nodded peacefully along with her rant and, as she wound down, replied, "I know. I'm planning on two hours minimum. It just doesn't do any good to argue."  She stared slack-jawed in response.

"This is my new philosophy: The Emperor has no clothes," I said. "It doesn't do any good to fight.  It's just best to give up and accept what is."

She whispered in awe, "You're... broken!"

And I am.  I am a broken woman.  I, the rebellious hellraiser who defied authority at every turn, despised mindlessly law-abiding citizens, and loved belting out Steve Earl's "Fuck the FCC" at the top of her lungs -- I, am a woman whose spirit has been broken.

I never thought it possible, and had anyone suggested such a thing to me as recently as a couple of years ago, I would have thought them crazy, as if they couldn't truly know me and still say that.

But it happened.  And I'm not even sure when.  It seems to be only in the past few months, and yet I cannot trace the change to any particular event or Life upheaval. 

Now, I simply accept.

Things simply are.

There's no sense fighting the things that are: the inherent corruption of politics; most men's inadequate nurturing and caregiving skills; my dogs' desire to destroy any new plant I put in "their" yard; the mailman's refusal to step even one foot outside of his delivery van, ... I could go on.  But why bother?

Maybe I've spent so many years -- decades, really -- banging my head against the same wall and seeing no response, no change in the world.  Maybe, on a more personal level, I'm working to improve my marriage.  Heaven knows the topic of marriage is ripe with opportunity to inflict change and to battle wills between not only partners, but also friends and family.

My marriage is a subject worthy of its own page, or hundred.  Suffice it to say that, after 15 years together, I have laid down.  I'd like to think it's from some achievement of zen-like consciousness, but perhaps it is only from sheer exhaustion.  The exhaustion of waiting for an accurate ETA for my husband to come home from work. Or expecting that hiking pole he left in New Zealand and never bought me the replacement for. Or the tools he regularly takes to his workplace then leaves there, so I am left using my boot heel as a hammer. Again.  -- Now there simply is no hammer.  No anger, no resentment, no residual fury over how many times he's done this before.  It doesn't matter.  It simply is.

I do not know what will come of this pathway. On some level, I feel that a part of me has died.  I give up, I go along. I try very hard not to care what happens in my life on a day-to-day basis.  That can't be any way to live, right?

But it is certainly easier, and god knows other people around me seem to enjoy getting their own way most of the time.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that most of my friends haven't even noticed the new laissez-faire me.

Furthermore, when I confess my conversion, friends are, almost without fail, mortified.  Is not "broken" synonymous with "weak"?  Maybe. But perhaps it's the first step in being stronger and creating change.  If I accept that my vote in a presidential election doesn't actually count, perhaps I can devote that time and energy toward some smaller more immediate cause, whether that's improving the life of my dogs by taking them for a run (which I also accept creates joy in their day) or offering to babysit for my friend so she can attend a yoga class.

I still enjoying singing "Fuck the FCC," so maybe my rebel soul isn't quite dead. And on some level I enjoy seeing all the facades fall away when a truth is called by its name; it's frequently shocking and painful, yet difficult to deny.

I also know I will not change the world by my small realization. My tiny little life doesn't matter. I am not going to be the world-changer my liberal arts education prepared me to be. Those are a few of my more recent truths.

Regardless of the outcome, my forehead is finally healing from no longer beating it against that same brick wall. And my eyes are dazzled by purity of a reality stripped of its embellishments.